The Twelve Steps Cults attract addictive and codependent members who share the traits of workaholics. They work to blot out their feelings, they are perfectionists who push themselves too much, expect too much of themselves and others, and fall into patterns of self-denial for a cause. Often, group members carry unresolved situations from childhood and shadow material for their families. They are often the "mystical children" who feel like they're from another world and easily become estranged. They may feel themselves to be the black sheep of the family. Unfortunately, due to lack of self-esteem, these special people are vulnerable to addictive behaviors, including cult participation. The Addictive Organization, by Anne Wilson Schaef and Diane Fassel, explains that people who have addictive personalities may become addicted to undesirable organizations because they like the adrenaline rush from the group's drama. Thus, the organization becomes the addictive substance. Another concept Schaef and Fassel propose is that the organization takes on a life of its own, exhibiting the characteristics of an addict: it acts dishonestly, operating solely out of self-interest, and treats people with an uncaring and abusive attitude. Once the negative behaviors are institutionalized, they dictate the organization's behavior, even if there is a complete turnover of individuals. People who want to break the cycle of addiction and co-dependence in their own lives may find help in the twelve steps of Alcoholics Anonymous. The first is the most important: 1. We admitted we were powerless over alcohol--that our lives had become unmanageable. People who want to break through the addiction of cult involvement may substitute "cult addiction" or something to symbolize their experience instead of "alcohol." After we leave our group we realize that our own addictive processes led us to join and be abused in the first place. It's different for people who were born into a cult because their parents joined. Through no fault of their own, these people were abused in childhood because of their parents' mistakes. In general, however, any group survivor can substitute the world "cult" for "alcohol" and do something about what happened. To prevent similar situations from happening to us again, we must root out our addictive tendencies. As long as we live in our addictive cycles, we live in a world that feels chaotic and unhappy. Jung said that the fragmentation in human society mirrors the fragmentation inside each individual. To get over our addictions we must wake up the wounded parts of ourselves, heal them and invite them back in. This is the secret to Jungian psychology: having the strength to go into those dark corners to look for our frightened and split off parts. All healing begins when we come to the first step, the conclusion that we need it. In this step we acknowledge our own story. For victims of child abuse the first step may read something like: "We admitted we were powerless and harmed by the abuse done to us in childhood and we need to heal. Instead of healing, we became addicts and our lives had become unmanageable." Children are born with the attributes of creativity and sensuality. These are the spontaneous, natural gifts that parents and guardians are there to protect. As children mature, adults teach them their role in society by setting a good example. Thus, young people can grow up gracefully and become mature adults. There are many victims who never found out that what happened to them was a crime. Until we arrived at the first step, we probably minimized our abuse with rationalizations like, "They did the best they could," "Lots of kids get abused," "The abuser was a sick man so I forgive him," and so on. Once realizing the harm that adult guardians did through willful acts or neglect, a survivor can begin to feel the pain. When someone becomes sensitive to their own pain, they can begin to heal. In this state of humility we can take a few more steps: 2. Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity. 3. Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him. Reaching these steps, we find salvation; the invocation of a loving God lifts our burden. The phrase "as we understood Him" is especially important for people who were abused in a religious group or religious family that functioned like a cult. In the case of Krishna kids, they may feel uncomfortable with the concept of Krishna if they associate Krishna with the abuse they endured. The previous chapter on depth psychology offers some suggestions for finding a concept of God that is comfortable and personal, not based on cult dogma. This is a big step for survivors who were abused in religious organizations. Once survivors contact a personal, benevolent higher power, the next challenge is maintaining this state of grace, because inevitably the law of habit may draw the mind back to its old worrying, judgmental and condemning state. To stay on track, we take the next four steps: 4. Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves. 5. Admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs. 6. Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character. 7. Humbly asked Him to remove our shortcomings. Abuse victims harbor deep feelings of hurt and anger so it's inevitable that some of this anger is turned against others. In these steps we stop feeling like victims and take responsibility for the times when we've victimized others. Neglecting these steps will stall healing; taking these steps builds integrity. The next two are the most important: 8. Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all. 9. Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others. We feel sorry for the harm done to ourselves first, then repent the harm we've done to others. In these two steps, we take responsibility for the past, we make amends, and thus we are relieved of guilt. This is where real healing begins. The last three steps remind us how important it is to be honest and compassionate. These steps keep us on the right path: 10. Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it. 11. Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood Him, praying only for knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out. 12. Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these Steps, we tried to carry this message to alcoholics, and to practice these principles in all our affairs. Twelve Step Meetings If you have substance or process addictions that hold you back from living the life you want, consider attending some twelve step meetings. Meetings have helped thousands, perhaps millions of people to build better lives. Alcoholics Anonymous (and its offshoots) are a network of people who share common problems and believe in the power of the twelve steps. If you are currently attending a twelve step group, they say "Keep coming back" and that is sage advice. If you have found relief from an addictive substance or behavior through meetings, the meetings themselves may be filling that empty place. There is a clear and present danger that if you suddenly quit going, you may fall back into your addiction. To reinforce your progress in a twelve step group, look for a good sponsor, someone who has successfully worked through the twelve steps, who will help you. After you've completed the steps, consider becoming a sponsor yourself. Offering help will make you feel happy and vital in the group. My advice for anyone who is interested is to experiment with various twelve step groups until you find one where you feel accepted and comfortable. Attend at least six meetings of different kinds to get a feel for the variety they offer. There are Alcoholics Anonymous and Narcotics Anonymous for substance abusers; Al-anon, Narc-anon, Ala-teen and Adult Children of Alcoholics (ACOA) for friends and family of substance abusers; there are also twelve step groups for smokers, overeaters, and process addictions of all sorts (romance, sex, codependence, cluttering, etc.). Buy their books, pick up their pamphlets and make a donation when the hat comes around. The group may also provide an opportunity to stay after the meeting and socialize. All meetings have different flavors. Of course, there is no requirement that you join a group to practice the twelve steps. However, if you have an addiction that is interfering with your life, consider going to a meeting. Most twelve step groups are open to all and are generally well-run and non-addictive, as long as the group follows the Twelve Traditions, which are: 1. Our common welfare should come first; personal recovery depends on A.A. unity. 2. For our group purpose there is but one ultimate authority--a loving God as He may express Himself in our group conscience. Our leaders are but trusted servants; they do not govern. 3. The only requirement for A.A. membership is a desire to stop drinking. 4. Each group should be autonomous except in matters affecting other groups or A.A. as a whole. 5. Each group has but one primary purpose--to carry its message to the alcoholic who still suffers. 6. An A.A. group ought never endorse, finance, or lend the A.A. name to any related facility or outside enterprise, lest problems of money, property, and prestige divert us from our primary purpose. 7. Every A.A. group ought to be fully self-supporting, declining outside contributions. 8. Alcoholics Anonymous should remain forever non-professional, but our service centers may employ special workers. 9. A.A., as such, ought never be organized; but we may create service boards or committees directly responsible to those they serve. 10. Alcoholics Anonymous has no opinion on outside issues; hence the A.A. name ought never be drawn into public controversy. 11. Our public relations policy is based on attraction rather than promotion; we need always maintain personal anonymity at the level of press, radio, and films. 12. Anonymity is the spiritual foundation of all our traditions, ever reminding us to place principles before personalities. The traditions address serious issues of organizational psychology. But ironically, even though the rules are there, addictive individuals may take over if the other members are apathetic or codependent. These dominators may even become sponsors. If you have the bad luck to choose an abusive sponsor, it can ruin your twelve step experience. Due to the natural dynamics of organizational psychology, twelve step groups have the potential to become cult-like. For this reason, recovering cult members need to be wary if they find themselves in a toxic twelve step group. If you can leave without botching your recovery, do so as soon as you notice your group breaking the twelve traditions. If you have an addiction and feel that terminating your relationship with your twelve step group could throw you into a relapse, seek professional counseling. A qualified addictions counselor will provide private counseling to help you reconcile what happened in the twelve step group, while you continue to work on your recovery. The counselor may also offer group counseling, where you will find support in a healthy environment with other recovering addicts. Financial Challenges The biggest challenge facing someone ex-members is to find an honest way to earn money. Counseling is expensive. If you neglect your obligation to support yourself, you will have to join debters anonymous! While some cults encouraged members to pursue income-producing careers, others discouraged it. Some cults, like the one I joined, painted a big distinction between insiders and outsiders, "us and them." To feel like insiders, people gave up everything -- including college and career. For people like me, group involvement meant surrendering your full time, including your working hours and career, to the group. If you did what I did, then rejoining the real world may prove a difficult task. Playing catch up in mid-life is a common theme for people who stayed in their groups into adulthood. In my group, it was common for members to stay ten, fifteen, or even twenty years. Everyone left eventually, but most had a hard time getting started. A few ex-Krishnas have become successful in the entertainment world, doing art for movies. They've managed to transfer their skills from the art projects they did in ISKCON to the outside world. Similarly, a few men from the Transcendental Meditation group have gone on to become best-selling authors of their own books. These are the rare exceptions, unfortunately. One problem for me is that my resume includes writing the book Betrayal of the Spirit. For this reason, prospective employers over the years may have given my applications less serious consideration. I call it the "hairy monster on the resume effect." Is it best to tell all? Perhaps it is wise to understate the cult experience on your resume, so think twice before writing a book. Another disadvantage of writing a book: you may think that you can get rich quick from selling your life story. However, even successful books do not pay much. Fantasizing about easy money from a book or movie deal is a form of denial that only stalls your recovery. Most ex-cult members get on with their lives eventually, in one way or another. The best way to get the group involvement off your resume is to work at an honest job for many years. Then you will have enough real experience to let the group involvement recede into the past, as it inevitably must do. Cult Survivors Handbook Table of Contents Preface, Frontmatter This book is written for people who joined high control groups as adults, but people born or raised in such groups may also benefit from reading it. I have also included a note to non-cult family members to help them interpret their loved one's experience. Family Therapy Dangerous cults function like dysfunctional families, so good counseling in the field of family therapy may help an ex-cult member process the experience. If the root of the problems go back to family of origin issues, family therapy can help. Abuse Recovery Emotional, physical, and sexual abuse is common in cults. Read this chapter if you suffered abuse in a cult. Depth Psychology Carl Jung's philosophy can help ex-cult members find meaning in their experiences. The Twelve Steps If you practiced abuse in the cult, the Twelve Steps can offer you relief from the pain of guilt. Mind-Body Here are some tips to get out of depression without drugs and learn the messages of your symptoms of disease. Creative Art Therapy and Gestalt For people who were victimized in a cult, humanist psychology is the best route to recovery. Eastern Mind Eastern philosophy has benefits; learn to keep the parts you enjoy, while you throw away the garbage the cult may have served with it. Ten Reasons Not to Hit Your Kids by Jan Hunt, M.Sc., Director of The Natural Child Project Bibliography and Suggested Reading Read more books about the topics covered in Cult Survivors Handbook. next