Cult Survivors Handbook Table of Contents
Preface, Frontmatter This book is written for people who joined high control groups as adults, but people born or raised in such groups may also benefit from reading it. I have also included a note to non-cult family members to help them understand their loved one's experience.
Family Therapy Dangerous cults function like dysfunctional families, so good counseling in the field of family therapy may help an ex-cult member process the experience. If the root of the problems go back to family of origin issues, family therapy can help.
Abuse Recovery Emotional, physical, and sexual abuse is common in cults. Read this chapter if you suffered abuse in a cult.
Depth Psychology Carl Jung's philosophy can help ex-cult members find meaning in their experiences.
The Twelve Steps If you practiced abuse in the cult, the Twelve Steps can offer you relief from the pain of guilt. [Editor's Note: The Twelve Steps have helped millions of people, but we do not promote any particular Twelve Step groups.]
Mind-Body Here are some tips to get out of depression without drugs and learn the messages of your symptoms of disease.
Creative Art Therapy and Gestalt For people who were victimized in a cult, humanist psychology is the best route to recovery.
Eastern Mind Eastern philosophy has benefits; learn to keep the parts you enjoy, while you throw away the garbage the cult may have served with it.
Ten Reasons Not to Hit Your Kids by Jan Hunt, M.Sc., Director of The Natural Child Project
Bibliography and Suggested Reading Read more books about the topics covered in Cult Survivors Handbook.
Preface and Acknowledgements
In 1978 I joined the International Society for Krishna Consciousness (ISKCON), looking for spirit, but something went wrong. The original guru, Srila Prabhupada, had died suddenly and eleven of his most ambitious disciples took over as gurus. During the decade that followed, the gurus' follies basically ruined everything. With the eleven gurus in control, ISKCON became increasingly cultish and isolated. They told me that ISKCON would be better than the material world, but it was worse. Ultimately, the leaders' fighting, criminal behavior and hypocrisy drove me away. I realize now that I was part of an abusive cult system. I had to "bloop" or fall like a stone back into the ocean of maya.
In the twelve years since leaving, I've invested considerable time and money in psychotherapy to put the experience into perspective. I wrote reams of material about my memories. After leaving the temple I went back to school and earned my master's degree in Interdisciplinary Studies, using art therapy in family and youth counseling at a juvenile training school. Although I earned my degree from Western Oregon University, I also took many workshops at Marylhurst, a nearby college that offered a master's degree in art therapy.
Through learning and working with psychologists, friends and clients, and expressing things through my own art and writing, I healed the wounds from ISKCON. I continue working to get through life's rough spots. As it appears to me from here, healing is a lifelong process.
In 1997, the University of Illinois Press published my autobiographical account, Betrayal of the Spirit: My Life behind the Headlines of the Hare Krishna Movement. The book received positive reviews in the media and academic journals so I went to book signings and spoke to audiences. In 1998 I built a website and suddenly started receiving email from people asking for support. I also get email from an online service that sends me people's questions.
I replied to all the letters I received (except the few that were regrettably lost to cyberspace). Answering people's email was the main thing that made me decide to write this book. I've been through the worst and it's been twelve years since I left ISKCON. Finally, with encouragement from the people I was writing to, I came to the conclusion that it was high time I share all the things I've learned in a book.
Each chapter of A Cult Survivors Handbook describes a different school of psychology. Some are specialized fields, while others are standard in most counseling departments. The ultimate goal of all the healing paths is to connect us back to our own hearts. The paths are simply different frames for reality. The frames I've chosen are from the humanist, modern psychology schools that blossomed in the mid-twentieth century.
In 2001 several people helped me edit the manuscript, offering their feedback, encouragement and advice, and they are:
Farra Swan, N.D., naturopathic physician in private practice in Tempe, Arizona, and adjunct professor at the Southwest College of Naturopathic Medicine and Health Sciences. She specializes in mind/body medicine and the effects of life experiences on physical and emotional health.
Linda B. Spencer, Ph.D., Artist-Author-Personal Growth Coach and author of Heal Abuse and Trauma Through Art.
Margo Shapiro, an old friend from the organization, who is now an M.F.C.C. counselor in Los Angeles.
Steven Hassan M.Ed LMHC, author of Releasing the Bonds: Empowering People to Think for Themselves and Combatting Cult Mind Control. Steve is a friend, as well as a fellow author. As a former member of the Moonies, he has spent the past twenty-three years helping people recover from destructive mind control. He is director of the Freedom of Mind Resource Center at www.freedomofmind.com.
Jane Wingle, a family therapist and freelance travel writer in Colorado.
Alma Bella Maglaya, a dear friend from the organization who is now an acupuncturist in Los Angeles.
"Ten Reasons Not to Hit Your Kids" is reprinted with the permission of Jan Hunt, M.Sc., Director of The Natural Child Project (www.naturalchild.org). I'm grateful for her convincing arguments on this important subject.
Introduction
This book is for people who have suffered betrayal in a group situation. The worst abuse potentially happens in religious groups where people's full faith is invested, but these days cult dynamics may take root in any circumstances, for similar reasons. One example is when a corporation is exposed for illegally polluting the environment. People in the organization must have known, so who was responsible, or was the situation just ripe for abuse, like in a cult? Another example is when police corruption is revealed. At least a few people must have known what was going on, but did nothing. Unfortunately, another common setting for betrayal is within families. Families may pass along intrigues, old debts, feuds, alcoholism or child abuse. Abuse problems pass down through the generations, even in organizations and governments.
In a family it's easy to fall into denial and tolerate terrible conditions, but still imagine you are okay. Even people who suffer horrible childhood abuse have a sense of what a good childhood would have been like and may convince themselves that their upbringing was fine. Most likely, they grow up blaming themselves for the dysfunction. In a cult, charismatic leaders successfully attract submissive people who are afraid to point out when something is wrong. Therefore, before an organization gets to the point of committing big, obvious crimes like murder or mass suicide, it has already tolerated hundreds and thousands of smaller, subtle, abuses. Sexual abuse and abuse of power are the hallmarks of exploitive cult leaders. Ironically, some innocent people in the groups never suspect anything is wrong; they may even leave before getting hurt, but it is also painful to realize when the leader had clay feet.
If you suspect that you are (or were) in contact with a cult, ask yourself some serious questions about the group:
Do you have to change who you are to fit in, please others?
Do they set up a duality of "us and them" and tell you that people outside the group are bad, less important?
Do they treat "outsiders" badly or talk behind their backs?
Do they treat members badly?
Do they give a false impression to the public?
Do they predict that society is on the brink of destruction?
Do they say that they have all the answers and you would be lost without their help?
Do they request excessive donations of your time and money?
Never allow any group to ruin your life. Cult leaders are often sociopathic and power hungry. They teach their followers that the outside world is evil; that the cult offers the only salvation. This creates an atmosphere of isolation, leading to hopelessness.
Cult recruiters target people with low self-esteem, presenting the group as a loving surrogate family. Members are taught to do whatever the family asks. They must repress their individuality and work for the good of the group. New people may receive excellent treatment, but once they are established members, they may be exploited and abused. Demoralized, they change their personality to please authority figures and fit into the group.
Cult leaders preach that society is on the brink of destruction, then they isolate their members and control the flow of information to reinforce the party line. They manipulate members with guilt and fear. Cults portray themselves as benign and may hide undesirable aspects of their operation from the public and from members. Hence, the stereotype of the "blind" follower.
One of the most insidious things about my cult experience was that they told us we had to give up our previous "material" life and devote one hundred percent of our time and energy to the group. Some ISKCON gurus still preach this as the meaning of surrender. At ISKCON's request, I abandoned all my friends and family without thinking about how I may have hurt them or made them worry about me. When my book came out, parents of other cult members began to contact me for advice. Listening to their grief made me realize how my own family may have felt. Hopefully this book will help bring families back together, or at least help them understand each others' perspectives.
Although this book is written for people who are recovering from victimization in a cult, it can also help people who are still deciding whether to leave a difficult group situation. Some people may feel they are in a dysfunctional, cult-like business or family environment, so they may use this book to help them decide whether they need to make some changes.
The Betrayal Scenario
When a betrayal is taking place in your environment, part of you shuts down to process the dishonesty. As a result of closing down in denial, your ability to love and trust is diminished. Betrayal takes away your innocence, that part of you that trusts life. Betrayal victims feel powerless in an unfair and uncaring world. Symptoms of devastating betrayal may include panic attacks and generalized feelings of fear, lack of self-worth, exaggerated feelings of guilt, resentment, paranoia and hostile behavior, eating disorders, addictions, psychosomatic disease syndromes, career and relationship problems, psychotic breaks, flashbacks, depression, suicidal feelings and antisocial behavior.
It's frightening to be victimized in someone else's hypocritical mind game when your principles or someone or something you love is at stake. The instinct is to fight against the abuse, but often the abusers have all the advantages. It's especially debilitating when the abuse blatantly goes on unchecked for years. Usually, if you try to do something about it, you are silenced or victimized further. You put yourself in harm's way trying to expose injustice. The abusers usually come out on top, because if they have the power to enact an effective cover-up, then they continue to receive recognition and special status while their victims' lives are ruined. We want justice and that may be the thing that drives us crazy long after the emotional, financial, or other abuse has stopped.
A common result of betrayal is to become jaded, deadened by the pain, hopeless and unable to love. However, a victim may also decide to use their suffering to become a deeper, more conscious and empathetic person. It is possible to break out of dysfunctional roles and quit stepping into abusive situations. This book is a starting point for people who want to heal. Some readers still suffer extreme emotional hardship from their betrayal experience, so I advise them to work with a therapist or support group while using this book.
A Note to Victims about Forgiveness
The first step for cult abuse survivors is to tell their story and connect with their outrage about the abuse. While these feelings are coming to the surface, it will be impossible to forgive the people in the cult. False forgiveness will only weaken victims' boundaries, prevent them from telling their story and thereby prevent healing.
If you have been abused, sometimes a well-meaning friend or counselor may advise you to forgive someone or something. But only do it if you want to. Follow your gut feeling in the matter of forgiving a perpetrator. You are the only one who can know how much you were hurt and when you're ready to forgive. Forgiveness is not important. If the abuser is a psychopath, he will not appreciate your forgiveness anyway, but just laugh at you. Ultimately the healing has to take place within the individual, it cannot be forced from outside. Aggressive therapies to induce forgiveness or confrontation with the perpetrator can be destructive. Often the overt abuse has stopped, but subtle abuse lingers. Cults may even try to control their ex-members in covert ways.
People often get stuck in the victim stage too long. This can be miserable for the victim and everyone around him. The main thing that leads to this stuck place is that there are too few qualified people to listen to victims' stories. The victim must tell his story and be acknowledged, not preached to, told to forgive, or further abused. Without a qualified person to listen, the victim (lacking personal boundaries) will try to tell his story to everyone he meets. This starts a downward spiral because the more he complains, the more confusion and mistrust he creates. His manner of discharging drives people away, leading to further isolation.
Here are some signs that you may be stuck in the victim role: if you still suffer from childhood issues, if you are depressed or have suicidal feelings, or if you are being abused in a close relationship. It's okay to be a victim, but there eventually comes a turning point (or series of points) where you are vindicated and go into recovery. This usually happens after you finally feel you have told your story to a non-judgmental person (or group) and you finally realize that you did not deserve to be abused. Once you validate yourself you can throw away your resentment and integrate the lessons of your experiences. Having a qualified listener (or listeners) leads you to the next step, which is faith that you will heal.
For some of us, books are deep reservoir for healing. Many authors have written about love and forgiveness from a spiritual perspective. Check the bibliography of this book for some suggestions. Books, including good fiction, may uplift and comfort you. Note, if you read books such as A Course In Miracles, the Bible, the Bhagavad-gita, beware that reading the book is probably sufficient for your needs. If there's a "group" attached to the book, it's probably better to avoid the group, especially if you're a recovering cult member.
One book that brought me solice after my cult experience was A Course In Miracles. [Editor's Note: This is a discussion about the book, A Course In Miracles, not any particular group derived from the book.] ACIM teachs that reality is neutral. We use the clay of matter to mold structures that interact with us. If we emanate anger and dwell on thoughts of vengeance, we train matter to react to us as we have thought and behaved toward it. The opposite is also true. If we cultivate loving thoughts toward others and toward life, matter reacts to us in kind. In the 1990s, some inconsiderate cult leader-like people apparently adopted the book ACIM as the basis of their cult teachings, so beware of joining any ACIM-based groups.
Cult survivors may choose to learn about forgiveness and inner peace as an important part of their quest for justice. Developing compassion and gentleness will prevent survivors from perpetrating abusive behavior on others. Thus they can stop the vicious cycle.
Even if an ex-cult member cannot forgive people from the organization, they may learn about the power of forgiveness by practicing nonviolence toward animals, children, strangers and others in their lives, like friends, neighbors and co-workers. People's behavior may be irritating, it may remind victims of the abuse they suffered and thereby trigger anger, but these people were not there. They did nothing to you. Practicing non-violence with strangers is a spiritual path that leads to peace of mind.
A Note to Abusers
Another unfortunate dilemma belongs to the perpetrator. These people must find compassion for their victims, stop hurting people, and make amends before they can get anywhere. They may have been hurt once too, but they still have a responsibility to stop the cycle of abuse. Here are some ways to tell if you're a perpetrator: if you've ever hurt people when you were in the grips of an addiction or uncontrolled anger; if your actions have ever resulted in emotional hurt, material damage, physical pain or humiliation for another person; or if there are consequences to your anger, such as loosing a job, a spouse, etc.
Another way to perpetrate abuse is through passive-aggressive behavior. This happens when you commit a crime of omission. An example would be withholding letters or information; taking responsibility for a task and then failing to complete it (especially when you know this will get someone else in trouble); or negligently allowing someone else to suffer abuse that you could have stopped. Sometimes passive aggressive acts are performed knowingly; other times it seems the person thought it out on the subconscious level.
Perpetrators' issues are more complex than victims' issues. Perpetrators need to tell their stories but for a different reason. Internal denial allows the perpetrator to minimize or rationalize the harm they have done. If they tell their stories honestly and thoroughly, they will be amazed at people's disapproval. They need this honest feedback to finally realize that what they did was wrong. When they realize how much they hurt people, then they will be ready to work with some of the concepts in this book.
Perpetrators need a qualified counselor to walk them through the hell that they have created for others in their wake. Good counselors will help them become better people. An unqualified counselor may prompt a perpetrator to forgive himself too soon, which just feeds denial mechanisms. Therefore, the wrong advice at a critical time can just make a perpetrator worse. This is one reason they say sociopaths never change.
I advise abusers to read the chapter on the twelve steps and work on their issues before going on to the rest of this book.
Talking it Out
For people who have never gone too far into the victim or perpetrator roles, simply talking things out may be the simplest and most reasonable way to solve personal problems. The simple act of telling your story to a kind person who will listen without judging is often the most healing act. That person may be a spouse, friend or relative, a counselor from the church or community, or someone from a support group. If you have a sympathetic network of friends and a well-rounded life, you may never need to go to a counselor. However, when someone is isolated or surrounded by controlling people, talking a problem over in a rational way may be impossible. Radio talk show psychologists are an example of the controlling type. The caller may have an extremely complex situation to deal with, but the talk show host will only listen for about one or two sentences, then interrupt with a barrage of moralizing advice. If you find that your friends offer more advice than non-judgmental listening, then seek professional counseling.
Before you start looking for professional help, it's good to learn about the varieties of psychology out there. Every counselor, psychologist and therapist has studied a different branch of the science. This book describes the psychology schools that are most relevant to people who went through a betrayal situation. At the end of the book are resources to learn more about these methods.
If Not Talking is the Problem
Some people dislike talking about their problems for whatever reason. Perhaps they may have been forced to talk once by a controlling parent, cult leader, therapist, or spouse, and they rebel at the idea. My recommendation for these people is to talk when you're ready. We live in a free country and no one should ever force another person to talk. Feelings are confusing and may become even more confusing if spoken too soon. It's just some people's preference. Sometimes talking about problems too much can become boring and destructive. Everyone knows when they've had enough talking and everyone has a different tolerance level.
If not talking is the problem, here are several suggestions. First, if the lack of verbal communication is between partners in a couple, I suggest that the more talkative partner seek counseling. The quiet partner may be withholding love and attention as a passive-aggressive form of abuse. Read books on verbal abuse and become aware of whether you are the recipient in a verbally abusive relationship. If your relationship problems are less severe, look for books that help couples understand each other and communicate (you will find some good books in the bibliography of this handbook).
If you are with a perpetrator who won't talk, find a counselor or support group to help you cope. Abusers must work their problems out before they can change.
If it's a victim who won't talk, I refer them to the chapter on creative art therapy. There are many non-verbal ways to communicate that may be more effective. Many hobbies and new careers start when people find meaningful creative work.
A Note to Friends and Family
If you're reading this book because your family member or friend is mixed up with a cult, here are a few words of advice. Stand by your loved one and never give up. Write letters, call and visit as much as the cult leaders will allow. Learn who the people are and make sure they know you. Learn about the group. Listen to news and insights from your loved one and try to remain part of their life. I had a college friend who visited me every year at the Krishna festival in Venice Beach. It meant a lot to me.
For more information, read Betrayal of the Spirit to see how my father helped me when I was deeply immersed in ISKCON. He all but joined the temple to get me out. Without his help I could still be there. Looking back now on my experience, my father was actually less favorable than I portrayed in the book. Toward the end he said things to me like, "You have a lot of strange men in your group," but my sense of denial blocked it out. Ultimately, it was my father's honesty and unconditional love that helped me see what was going on in ISKCON and leave.
Another suggestion is to support your loved one's quest for spirit. Encourage them on the path. Tell them about your search for spirit or a happy life. Discuss values and other deep things with them. If they come to visit, try to accommodate their vegetarian (or other special) diet and any other eccentricities they may have acquired. It may seem uncomfortable or even frightening to relate to a child or friend who has become a diminished version of their old self, but usually the flat affect and other signs of cult involvement will naturally fall away if they leave. If your loved one will go to counseling with you, try hard to iron out any issues that stand between you, rather than just fault them for their choices.
This book is primarily written for the ex-member, but friends and family may get something out of it too, if only to understand more fully what the cult member is going through. For some direct advice, here is a letter I wrote to a woman who lost an old school friend to a cult (click here). As you read A Cult Survivors Handbook, you may recognize the cult dynamics because they manifest in subtle ways throughout society.
When you step out of a betrayal situation, a lot changes. When I left the organization in 1988, I changed my name, clothing, occupation, residence, daily schedule and religion -- and then my father died. When I left ISKCON I was in a state of grief and mourning, ready for some stability, but at first the material world appears just as dysfunctional as a cult. Actually, the temple is also in the material world and the karma I accumulated there made it harder for me to fit back into society. It took me a long time to face this, because while living in the temple I imagined that all my problems would go away as soon as I could leave. However, once I faced the fact that the world has its hell - and its heaven too, thankfully - I felt grateful to be alive, here in the material world.
Author's Bio
Nori J. Muster has been a journalist and writer since 1980 and holds a master's degree in youth counseling (Western Oregon University, 1991). She writes fiction, poetry, personal essays, and recovery books. For an index of her writing, click here.
