Power Number II:
Positive Mental Attitude
The Role of Mental Attitude
Recognize Fear-Based Attitudes
Renounce Superstition
How to Change Mental Attitudes
Make it through Crisis and Setbacks
Improve Your Tolerance of Everyday Stress
Self-Image and Happiness
Quit Projecting
Get Some Goals
Live in the Present Moment
Review
This section 5,514 words (approx. 22 pages)
The Role of Mental Attitude
Over your lifetime, you collect a set of mental attitudes that govern the way you see the world. The sum of these attitudes is your temperament. Ralph Waldo Emerson said that we see life through colored beads, where "temperament is the iron wire on which the beads are strung." Your temperament dictates your moods and tells you how to interface with reality. The way you see a situation is key to how you will feel about it. If you could choose how to see things, you could overcome most of your troubles right away. You might think a positive thought when you remember to, but the rest of the time your temperament will dictate what type of thoughts you think. If you want to get the benefit of positive autosuggestion, you must adjust your temperament so that you automatically think positive.
People will usually ignore their own attitudes and rationalize them away. They may think everybody else has the same attitude, or would if they were smart. They might think it is better to hold onto attitudes than try to change them, because change would be too upsetting. It's like the bad property owner who will not acknowledge roof leaks because she cannot accept that her building could have problems. Ignoring bad attitudes leads to a rut. The same challenges keep coming up until you adopt a more effective attitude. That's why they say that life offers regular opportunities to improve your attitude.
Mental attitudes may be difficult to change because they are based on underlying beliefs. Once in place, beliefs perpetuate themselves because the colored beads of consciousness only let you see evidence that supports your beliefs. Consider these quotes by famous historic figures:
"Each one sees what he carries in his heart." - Johann Wolfgang Von Goethe (German writer, scientist, and philosopher, 1749-1832)
"We don't see things as they are, we see them as we are." - Anais Nin (French-born American author, 1903-1977)
"What we see depends mainly on what we look for." - Sir John Lubbock (English naturalist, banker, statesman, 1834-1913)
You may believe what you believe, but when you set out to develop positive thinking, you must be willing to question old, irrational beliefs.
Recognize Fear-Based Attitudes
It may be difficult to recognize the negative mental attitudes you have acquired. They may seem so familiar that you take them for granted. You may wake up with a vague feeling of foreboding. You may be overcome with worry or raw feelings about money. You may feel so angry about some aspect of your life that you can't imagine living without the anger. However, once you have some experience using autosuggestion, you will realize these are just thoughts in the mind. They are deeply embedded patterns attached to neurons with negative programming. You can change them because you are the one who decides what thoughts to keep. You have the ability to change anything about your inner life if you make a conscious effort. Following is a list of common negative mental attitudes.
Fear Itself
Fear has a purpose in dangerous situations, because it makes you more vigilant. However, fear may linger even when there is no imminent danger. Holding onto fear is a sign of unresolved trauma. Suffering from generalized fear, such as fear of the future, is a symptom of repressed feelings. Dwelling on fear leads to self-defeating behaviors. For example:
Fear of losing love hurts your self-esteem.
Fear of poverty may lead to bad financial decisions.
Fear of being yourself stifles creativity.
Fear of success makes you throw away good ideas and opportunities.
Fear of old age may cause more stress with aging.
Fear of disease and death prevents you from enjoying life.
People may even become afraid of their own thoughts, because they are aware of the powers of autosuggestion to create reality. To rid yourself of fear, the solution is to do something about it. Either confront your fear directly with a good plan, or learn how to change your thoughts to make yourself calm down.
Unproductive Worry
Due concern may help a problem, but excess worry never helps. Worry is simply a vehicle to indulge in unbridled anxiety. There is always plenty to worry about, but worrying is counter-productive.
Excessive worry:
Exaggerates and compounds a problem
Makes you feel powerless
Makes people around you worry
Feeds bad attitudes like mistrust and resentment
Shows a lack of leadership skills
Attracts the very things you worry about
Wastes valuable time and energy
Prevents creative solutions
Makes you boring, negative, and hard to love
If you are concerned about something, look at it closely. Try to understand the situation, then take positive steps to resolve it. If there is nothing you can do now, look for ways to calm yourself down. Watch what you tell yourself. Statements like "I can't stand it" are irrational and will only make you more upset. If you tell yourself, "I'll get through this," you will make the situation easier to bear. A good attitude toward problems will help you think of solutions.
Perfectionism
The need to be perfect grows from insecurity. If you have a poor self-image, you may try to hide parts of yourself that you judge to be bad. Having extra large expectations for yourself also leads to frustration.
The disadvantages of trying to appear perfect are:
You must hide behind a mask to cover up your flaws
Hiding makes you difficult to get to know
Denying your human side makes you feel phony
You make yourself neurotic if you constantly censor yourself
You never grow up if you hide behind a fantasy of perfection
Your denial makes you act out through temper tantrums and other passive-aggressive behaviors
To get over perfectionism, notice when you are judging yourself or others and stop immediately. Try to acknowledge and accept the things you dislike about yourself. If you can love someone else despite his or her flaws, you can certainly love yourself. Think about how your good friends see you and contemplate the possibility that your flaws make you more lovable. Your friends feel closer to you because they know your darkest secrets; things you would not share with just anyone. One day you will realize that your dark side is an asset. Like the rich shadows in a Renaissance painting, your darkness gives you sensitivity and depth.
Jealousy
Jealousy is a destructive attitude that comes from low self-esteem. You will feel jealous if you think somebody has something that you cannot have. If you allow yourself to feel jealous, you are in effect affirming that you are unworthy of getting what you want.
The cure for jealousy is to acknowledge your basic self-worth. Affirm other people's good fortune and your own. Turn jealousy into feelings of gratitude, acknowledging the good things already in your life. When you kick out jealousy and envy, you take a big step toward achieving your goals.
Anger
Anger is a powerful emotion. It tells you that someone or something has crossed your boundaries. Anger points to situations that you need to address. To handle anger appropriately, you must recognize the cause of the problem, release the emotion, and solve the problem.
Although anger has a legitimate purpose, it can be dangerous. Like fire, it can get out of control and cause extensive damage. Developing an angry temperament is especially unfortunate.
Here are the potential harmful effects of anger:
Reckless expression of anger is violent and abusive
If you approach people in anger, it puts them on the defensive
Life seems more difficult than it really is
Your anger might trigger another person's aggressive (or passive-aggressive) behavior, making things worse for you
Anger may become an addiction, especially for overly sensitive people who take things too personally. All people lose control to anger occasionally, but if you learn constructive ways to address anger, your moods will improve.
Resentment
While anger is often legitimate, resentment never is. Resentment grows from lingering feelings of victimization. If you rehash problems instead of acting, you invite resentment to take root. In resentment, you tell yourself things like "it's not fair." You project your negative feelings onto something outside yourself: an individual, place, situation, or abstract concept like "life" or "the system."
Reject resentment because it:
Leads to a sense of entitlement, as though the object of your resentment owes you something
Offers a false sense of superiority over the thing(s) you resent
Provides an excuse for your own shortcomings and lack of effort
Drives people away from you
Makes you read offensive motives into innocent situations
Constantly seeks new experiences to justify itself
Leads to self-pity
Another problem is that resentment has consequences. If your bad attitude shows, you might lose a sale, a friend, a job, or something else of value. Resentful people regularly jump to conclusions, only to find out later that a situation was their own fault or nobody's fault. For example, people get mad at their computers as though the computer is doing something to them.
Some people hang onto resentment because they never learned how to express their anger properly. Mental exercise, such as writing, drawing, or solving a puzzle may release chronic anger. You can also work it out in non-violent physical ways. Exercise, such as jogging, aerobics, hitting a pillow or punching bag, or even moving furniture around, can be a good release.
A mature person realizes that compassion and patience, not resentment, are the correct attitudes in life's trying circumstances. Resentment may be stubborn. If you feel resentment over a personal situation or something you read about in the news, it may be difficult to let it go. To cure resentment, start out by addressing your victimization issues.
Chronic Victimhood
If you go through an abusive episode, you need to be in the victim stance until you work out what happened. You have to realize that the victimization was not your fault. Once you reclaim your innocence, you can move on as a survivor. You may even become stronger than before, able to help others who are vulnerable.
However, some people get stuck in the victim stage indefinitely. This is an unfortunate situation because of the negative message it sends to the subconscious mind. Chronic victims invite new situations to confirm their belief that they are victims. One way they do it is by driving people away. "Nobody likes a looser" is a common saying in the movie business and elsewhere. Some victims' self pity leaves them unable to make friendships or take responsibility for their own lives.
The best way to get through the victim stage is to tell your story to someone who will listen with compassion. Victims need to understand that what happened to them was wrong. One good listener who can fully acknowledge a victim's suffering can give them this gift. Unfortunately, these days there are too few people who know how to listen to a victim's story and offer empathy without judgment.
Loneliness
Loneliness is an attitude that makes you feel alone even when other people are present. It is something in your own mind. Bad attitudes build a psychic wall to cut you off from other people.
A lonely person may think:
"People don't care about each other anymore."
"Most people are ignorant."
"There are no more good people in the world."
"You can't trust anybody these days."
"People wouldn't understand me."
If you collect irrational beliefs like this, loneliness grows chronic and painful. The negative beliefs show through your words and body language and cue other people to keep a distance. Their hesitation reinforces your loneliness and negative beliefs. You might eventually become frightened of people, along with feeling left out. Chronic loneliness can make you bitter.
The cure for loneliness is to go out and socialize. Find out what is happening and get involved, then work on breaking down your negative beliefs. If you only feel lonely occasionally in an otherwise full life, go out and walk around where you will see people. It is not even necessary to talk to anyone in particular, just go to a public place like a shopping center, museum, or park, and enjoy being part of the crowd.
Emptiness
Emptiness is a variation of loneliness, where you feel cut off from yourself and your purpose. If you ignore it, emptiness can turn into depression. You make it worse if you tell yourself negative things. For example:
"There's nothing out there for me."
"Life has no purpose."
"I don't deserve happiness."
"It's too late to start now."
The cure for emptiness is most often right in front of you, disguised as a hideous problem that you never resolved. In other words, the meaning you seek is probably buried in your own shadows. You feel empty because you have cut it off and refuse to work on it.
To cure emptiness, identify the area of your life that feels empty: career, friends, family, creativity, education, charity, health, or love. Then look for ways to improve that area. Instead of giving in to emptiness, take it as a sign that you have work to do.
Renounce Superstitions
Superstitions are attitudes. If you believe in a superstition, it makes you see life in a particular way. For example, you might think there is a force that makes things happen to you, so you might surrender control of your life to the force and feel powerless to stand up against it.
Everyone holds onto at least a few strange beliefs. Superstitions offer simple answers to complex questions where the truth may be unknown or too difficult to bear. In that sense, superstitions serve a purpose.
You need to learn where your superstitions lie, because they distort reality. The main problem is that they are usually based on negativity and fear. Mark Twain said, "The average man is what his environment and his superstitions have made him; and their function is to make him an ass."
Superstitions fall into several categories:
Blaming misfortune on yourself for breaking a superstitious taboo
Blaming malevolent supernatural forces for bad things that happen
Making up explanations for things that cannot be explained
If you have superstitious beliefs in the first area, you need to think rationally about how far your influence goes. Sometimes people take far too much responsibility. For example, in a natural disaster like an earthquake, it is human nature to feel repentance, crying out, "God save me! I promise I'll never sin again!" Orphaned children may imagine that their bad thoughts killed their parents. Misconceptions like this work against positive thinking because they are irrational and stubborn. If you believe you caused something to happen due to breaking a superstitious code, it is nearly impossible for you to look at other explanations for a situation.
Usually if it seems like you caused something to happen that is outside your sphere of influence, it only means that your thoughts coincided with the event. Carl Jung called this synchronicity. For example, if you feel like hell, then you turn on the TV news to find out that all hell is breaking loose, then you are synchronized with events. You may have contributed indirectly to the situation in many small ways over many years, along with thousands of other people, but the very meaning of synchronicity is that internal and external events happen simultaneously without any causative influence. You can break your magnetic bond with negative events if you put yourself into a better mood.
Superstitious people think that little things can make God angry or wreck their chances of getting into heaven. For example: missing church, criticizing the pastor, letting a Bible touch the floor, and so on. Superstitious beliefs may even keep people from achieving success. For example, some people might think it is wrong to earn more money than their parents. Others believe that accepting a compliment will give them bad luck.
The other type of superstition, fear of supernatural powers, is even more deeply engrained in human nature. Usually the powers are negative and must be appeased to prevent misfortune. Superstitions can cause negative attitudes because they may confirm your worst fears.
Examples of things that may cause superstitious fear are:
Curses, spells, prophecies, omens, and the evil eye
Psychics, card readings, palmistry, and astrology
Ghosts, ancestors, voices, and spirits
Magic words and numbers
Black cats, owls, crows, spiders, and other creatures
Stopping a chain letter
If you attribute some sort of superstitious power to lucky numbers, psychic readings, and so on, you give your power over to something outside yourself. Moreover, you will give you new things to worry about. For example, if you get an ominous card in a tarot reading like the "Devil," besides having a problem, you might start to believe you're doomed. It's irrational to base your life on lucky cards and the like, because you will never get all lucky cards. If you must have one superstition, make it Chinese fortune cookies. Sometimes they're dull, but they're never scary.
Some people use tarot cards, astrology, numerology, and other esoteric arts for storytelling and other purposes. You can use them to probe into your subconscious and learn about what's going on inside you. There's nothing wrong with playing around with tarot cards or astrology, but don't take them too seriously. They cannot tell you definitively what the future will bring. You still have the option to change the future to make it better or worse.
If you imagine superstitious landmines everywhere, flood your mind with rational thoughts. Try to see your fears as lazy mental habits that you need to change. Imagine how you would think if you let go of superstitions. If you can get rid of them all at once, then do it. However, you might need time to adjust to rational beliefs. If you think you have renounced a superstition, but deep down inside you still believe it, you could end up giving yourself the retribution you feel you deserve.
How to Change Mental Attitudes
No matter how you originally acquired a negative attitude or bad behavior, the first step to get rid of it is to become aware that you have it. Behaviors usually correspond to beliefs, so if you identify a behavior you dislike, you can trace it to a corresponding belief. For example, if you pick on yourself too much, you might find yourself literally picking at little imperfections on your skin, as well. The way you hold your shoulders is a metaphor for your overriding mental attitude. There is always a psychological and physical aspect to any habit.
The key to changing a bad habit is to focus on the new behavior you want to develop. There is no need to think about the old habit anymore or get mad at yourself for having had it. Just focus on the new habit you want. For example, if you are in the habit of talking too much about your problems, don't get mad at yourself. Just think of other things to talk about.
If you are patient and practice repeatedly, you will succeed. However, if a negative habit is particularly stubborn, it could be a symptom of a much larger emotional problem. Habits that are difficult to change are like addictions. An addiction is something you feel compelled to do, even if it could cause negative consequences. Breaking physical addictions is difficult and even dangerous, since you could experience withdrawal symptoms. Breaking emotional addictions may also have side effects. If you try to do too much at once you might end up back where you started, with the added negative belief that change is too hard. Therefore, start with the easy habits and gradually work up to the deeply engrained habits.
We all have at least a couple of bad habits to work on. Ignoring them does not help. To think positive, you must continually weed out bad habits.
Make it through Crisis and Setbacks
The way you look at a situation will determine whether it is a crisis. For example, you might see an upcoming business meeting as a crisis when it is actually an opportunity. Further, most everyday crises are not life and death matters. A constructive attitude helps you respond to the challenge of the situation, rather than the fear.
You can practice handling a crisis when nothing is happening. Visualize yourself in the midst of a situation that usually drives you crazy, but imagine yourself reacting rationally. If you rehearse your response, then you are more likely to react properly when the next crisis arises.
If you find yourself in a constant state of crisis, then you may have to make some basic changes. In the business world, for example, chaos is a symptom of poor planning or bad management. It takes more than visualization and a good attitude to resolve chronic chaos, especially if the people involved ignore (or perpetrate) a bad situation. If you experience chronic chaos, treat it as a problem you need to solve.
Another common negative habit is to make a setback seem much worse than it really is. One time, on television many years before 9/11, there was a news story about spring break. A plane was delayed and the airport was full of college kids on their way to Cancun. They had been stuck for nearly fifteen hours of their seven-day vacation. The camera went to a young man who said, "This is the worst thing that has ever happened to me in my life." It may seem terrible, but chances are that years later he could look back on the situation in the airport as the most memorable part of his trip. Learning to handle the small things in life prepares us for the major challenges.
If you are in the midst of a setback and want to make yourself feel worse, just tell yourself "this is terrible" and "I can't handle this." Actually, it is not terrible, it is a lesson, and you will handle it one way or another. Honest people of stature are versed in life's trials. The test of character is whether you can handle setbacks without causing a scene. If you do break down, then the test is to pull yourself together and learn to do better the next time.
The most difficult life lesson is to stop blaming other people. Setbacks may appear to be someone else's fault, but more often they are self-inflicted. They may seem to have no purpose, but there is always something you need to learn before you can move on. If you face a situation and take responsibility for it, you put the power to succeed back under your own control.
Improve Your Tolerance of Everyday Stress
Everyone has pre-set buttons that trigger negative reactions. For some, it might be the sound of a crying baby, while others have a hissy fit if someone cuts in front of them in traffic. Buttons are areas where you are already sore, because your self-esteem and boundaries are damaged. Overly sensitive people project antagonism where there is none. For example, you might tell yourself something absurd like, "That crying baby just wants to wreck my flight." Or even more absurd, "The mother wants the baby to cry and wreck everybody's flight." It is the same thing with road rage. Traffic can be frustrating, but rational people do not take the congestion as a personal offense. If somebody is stuck in traffic and honks, their honking says, "This is all your fault!" and "You are making this happen to me!"
The solution for over-sensitivity is to filter out inconsequential information. A baby crying is just a sound vibration. Although it can be loud, it cannot hurt you. Just let it go by. If you have any doubt about how this works, remember that psychiatric medications do not stop crying babies or traffic jams. They only make you feel better and therefore stop your negative reaction to outside events. You can make yourself feel better without pills if you see your brain as a natural pharmacy where the chemicals are your thoughts. If you practice positive autosuggestion, you will feel better. Improving the way you think is easier than continuing to be angry at the world - and less expensive than relying on prescriptions.
Self-Image and Happiness
You can decide to be happy right now. You do not have to wait until after the holidays are over, after you make a million dollars, or after you retire. You can make yourself happier right away simply by upgrading your self-image. Make a rational decision that you will accept yourself just as you are, with all your moods, hang-ups, mistakes, and problems. You remain exactly the same, but think more of yourself.
Maxwell Maltz said:
"To really 'live,' that is to find life reasonably satisfying, you must have an adequate and realistic self-image that you can live with. You must find yourself acceptable to 'you.' "
It is your birthright to love yourself even though you are in the midst of the drama of human life. Some situations are so tragic that it may be humanly impossible to be completely happy, but the stories you tell yourself can make you feel better or worse.
Quit Projecting
It takes determination and effort to change a bad attitude, but unfortunately, there is a natural tendency to collect new ones. You can prevent new negative thinking habits if you learn to see reality for what it is. The alternative - what most people do - is project inner dramas on the outside world. An example of projection would be getting angry with your kids or spouse because of unhappy feelings inside you. It is easier to criticize them than to accept responsibility for your feelings.
Suppose your kids come home, throw their books down on the table, and run out to play. You might think they disrespect you and just want to give you more work to do cleaning up their things. Or suppose your husband comes home and goes directly to the TV. You might think he is uncaring and wants to shut you out. Husbands may experience something similar. Suppose you say something to your wife that you think will be constructive, but she takes it all wrong and starts to cry. You might think she is too emotional and does not trust you. In these and hundreds of similar situations, people deny responsibility for their own feelings and blame somebody outside.
In most uncomfortable situations, what looks like reality is just a projection of low self-esteem. Suppose the children throw their books down because they are in a hurry. Maybe the man likes to come home and turn on the TV because it helps him unwind. In the case of the emotional wife, perhaps it is a communication barrier the couple should have worked out years ago. Usually there is no offense intended, but people project offense because they are unhappy about something within themselves.
All situations have a rational explanation, even if you cannot know what it is. Instead of telling yourself a story that makes you angry, think rational thoughts. Remain calm. Remind yourself that everything will become clear eventually. Then consider how you can take responsibility for your feelings. Blaming your feelings on something outside will prevent you from seeing any opportunity to resolve them and feel better.
Projections serve the same purpose as superstitions because they offer an explanation for whatever is happening. To justify your projection you might dream up an attitude like, "People just don't care about me" or "Life is too hard, because look at what always happens." If you quit projecting, you will not need the attitude. Think about situations where you blame other people for your feelings. That's where you will find your projections and negative attitudes.
Set Goals
Another way to prevent bad mental habits is to define goals. When you commit to a goal in your work or personal life, it builds your character. Even small goals will help you develop personal integrity and get control of your life. Earl Nightingale said that ordinary people wander through life unsure of where they are going, while successful people know exactly what they want and have a plan to get it. Maxwell Maltz said, "Get yourself a goal worth working for. Better still, get yourself a project."
Goals help you:
Stay motivated
Avoid sidetracks that do not relate to your goals
Make decisions based on how things fit in with your goals
Rise above petty matters that might distract you from your goals
Look for creative solutions
Improve your self-esteem
The workbook at the end of this book offers a variety of exercises to define your goals.
Live in the Present Moment
You can measure your success in positive thinking by how easily you can stay centered in the present moment. You can think about the past or make plans for the future, but do not lose precious hours worrying about something that happened or something that might happen.
When you are lost in anxiety, you have little energy available to notice your environment. Whenever you lose touch with the now, you start to feel overwhelmed and alienated. Your breathing becomes shallow and you block out valuable information for making decisions. You might not even be aware of what you are feeling. If you live in a state of fear, you will never find time to meditate, play, or be creative. You cannot do anything about the past and worrying about the future does not help.
The cure is to pay attention to one thing at a time. Just breathe and concentrate on what you're doing. The goal of positive thinking is to remain centered and let life flow around you.
Review
Mental attitudes collect, but they are difficult to identify and change. Negative attitudes counteract positive autosuggestion.
The common negative attitudes are fear, excessive worry, perfectionism, jealousy, anger, resentment, chronic victimhood, loneliness, emptiness, and superstition.
You can change any bad attitude or behavior if you focus on the new attitude or behavior you want to acquire.
A good attitude will help you handle crisis and setbacks.
Cultivate an easy-going attitude so you can automatically tune out small annoyances.
Happiness comes when you raise your self-image and love yourself the way you are.
To maintain a healthy positive attitude, stop projecting, define your goals, and live in the present moment.
Go to the workbook section to learn positive mental attitude - click here.
Go To Part Three, "Cooperation" - click here
