(circulated on the internet - read these & think)
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Date: Sat, 31 Mar 2001
The following is a poem made up entirely of actual quotes from George W. Bush, Jr. The quotes have been arranged only for aesthetic reasons by Washington Post writer Richard Thompson.
MAKE THE PIE HIGHER
by George W. Bush
I think we all agree, the past is over.
This is still a dangerous world.
It's a world of madmen and uncertainty
and potential mental losses.
Rarely is the question asked
Is our children learning?
Will the highways of the internet
become more few?
How many hands have I shaked?
They misunderestimate me.
I am a pitbull on the pantleg of opportunity.
I know that the human being
and the fish can coexist.
Families is where our nation finds hope,
where our wings take dream.
Put food on your family!
Knock down the tollbooth!
Vulcanize Society!
Make the pie higher! Make the pie higher!
Resisting President-Select Bush
Steve Cobble, AlterNet
April 3, 2001
The media may well underplay the conclusion that Bush really lost, since the current elite philosophy seems to be that it is important to build up the sitting President's legitimacy. Nevertheless, many expect that this major media review will demonstrate what all of us already know in our hearts -- that the will of the people was ignored, distorted, and subverted by the institutions that are supposed to protect American democracy.
If so, it means that the man in the White House is not the people's choice. It means that President-Select Bush really lost both the popular vote and the electoral vote. It means that the most basic right in a democracy -- the right to vote -- was corrupted by the Scalia 5 on the Supreme Court, after a successful disenfranchisement/disinformation/intimidation campaign carried out by the Bush brothers and their allies in Florida.
It means, in a literal definition of the phrase, that the United States of America has undergone a coup d'etat.
Compare the actual events of the Florida fiasco to this definition from our 1976 American Heritage Dictionary: "coup d'etat -- a sudden stroke of state policy involving deliberate violation of constitutional forms by a group of persons in authority."
. . . read entire article
Bush Administrative Count-down Clock
Time cover spoof on George Bush. [warning to TV watchers - this graphic contains the f- word]
Subject: [Fwd: [Fwd: Fw: To My American Friends (and a Few Others)]
Date: Sun, 19 Nov 2000 10:15:25 -0800
NOTICE OF REVOCATION OF INDEPENDENCE
To the citizens of the United States of America: In the light of your failure to elect a President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective today. Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths and other territories--except for Utah, which she does not fancy. Your new prime minister (The Right Hon. Tony Blair, MP, for the 98.85% of you who have until now been unaware that there is a world outside your borders) will appoint a minister for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire will be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed. To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:
1. You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary. Then look up "aluminium". Check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it. Generally, you should raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. Look up "vocabulary". Using the same twenty seven words interspersed with filler noises such as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. Look up "interspersed".
2. There is no such thing as "US English". We will let Microsoft know on your behalf.
3. You should learn to distinguish the English and Australian accents. It really isn't that hard.
4. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as the good guys.
5. You should relearn your original national anthem, "God Save The Queen", but only after fully carrying out task 1. We would not want you to get confused and give up half way through.
6. You should stop playing American "football". There is only one kind of football. What you refer to as American "football" is not a very good game. The 1.15% of you who are aware that there is a world outside your borders may have noticed that no one else plays "American" football. You will no longer be allowed to play it, and should instead play proper football. Initially, it would be best if you played with the girls. It is a difficult game. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which is similar to American "football", but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full Kevlar body armour like nancies). We are hoping to get together at least a US rugby sevens side by 2005.
7. You should declare war on Quebec and France, using nuclear weapons if they give you any merde. The 98.85% of you who were not aware that there is a world outside your borders should count yourselves lucky. The Russians have never been the bad guys. "Merde" is French for "shit".
8. July 4th is no longer a public holiday. November 8th will be a new national holiday, but only in England. It will be called "Indecisive Day".
9. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and it is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean. Thank you for your cooperation.
WASHINGTON D.C. - Following an emergency meeting Wednesday morning, Congress unanimously voted to excise Florida from the United States of America. The move was a reaction to the confusion and irregularities in the state's voting numbers that have totally disrupted the 2000 Presidential election. "This is the last straw," said Utah senator Orin Hatch."First Elian Gonzales, now this."
Several congressmen told reporters the decision has been a long time in coming. "We're all pretty much sick of Florida," said representative Barney Frank. "They've been a constant embarrassment for too long now."
Added Frank, "They had Dan Marino for a while, but what have they done lately? Oh that's right, screw up our entire democracy. I forgot."
On the Senate floor, Massachusetts senator Ted Kennedy commented that the loss of Florida's sizable elderly population will free up billions of dollars in social security funds. "These funds can now be redirected toward national defense. We can finally rebuild our demoralized, weakened military," said the Senator to roaring applause.
From her New York campaign headquarters, freshly elected senator Hilary Clinton echoes the sentiments of her future colleagues on Capitol Hill, calling Florida a hurricane-addled hellhole full of scheming Cuban immigrants. "Learn @*&%$!# English already, you banana boat bums," Clinton added. As a result of the Florida screw-up, the House and Senate decreed a new election will take place in early December. This time ballots in each state will be tabulated by robots. "It is clear that our human vote-counting system is too inherently flawed," said Speaker of the House Dennis Hastert. "The presence of these new, superior robot mast- err, I mean - tabulators will ensure 100% accuracy."
"Remember," said Hastert, "every vote counts, especially if it's counted by robots."
Dynamiting will begin next Wednesday, after the conclusion of which, the state will be completely geographically separated from the United States. "After that, they're on their own," said Hastert. "I hope they sink."
Subject: [Fwd: [Fwd: Bush Banana Republican]]
Date: Sun, 19 Nov 2000 10:10:39 -0800
A history professor from Uppsala Universitet in Sweden, called to tell about an article she had read in which a Zimbabwe politician was quoted as saying that children should study this event closely for it shows that election fraud is not only a third world phenomenon:
1. Imagine that we read of an election occurring anywhere in the third world in which the self-declared winner was the son of the former prime minister and that former prime minister was himself the former head of that nation's secret police (CIA).
2. Imagine that the self-declared winner lost the popular vote but won based on some old colonial holdover (electoral college) from the nation's pre-democracy past.
3. Imagine that the self-declared winner's 'victory' turned on disputed votes cast in a province governed by his brother!
4. Imagine that the poorly drafted ballots of one district, a district heavily favoring the self-declared winner's opponent, led thousands of voters to vote for the wrong candidate.
5. Imagine that members of that nation's most despised caste, fearing for their lives/livelihoods, turned out in record numbers to vote in near-universal opposition to the self-declared winner's candidacy.
6. Imagine that hundreds of members of that most-despised caste were intercepted on their way to the polls by state police operating under the authority of the self-declared winner's brother.
7. Imagine that six million people voted in the disputed province and that the self-declared winner's 'lead' was only 327 votes. Fewer, certainly, than the vote counting machines' margin of error.
8. Imagine that the self-declared winner and his political party opposed a more careful by-hand inspection and re-counting of the ballots in the disputed province or in its most hotly disputed district.
9. Imagine that the self-declared winner, himself a governor of a major province, had the worst human rights record of any province in his nation and actually led the nation in executions.
10. Imagine that a major campaign promise of the self-declared winner was to appoint like-minded human rights violators to lifetime positions on the high court of that nation. Imagine that the decision whether the hand recounts should be completed and validated rests solely with an official from the self-declared winner's party, an appointee of the self-declared winner's brother.
None of us would deem such an election to be representative of anything other than the self-declared winner's will-to-power. All of us, I imagine, would wearily turn the page thinking that it was another sad tale of pitiful pre- or anti-democracy peoples in some strange elsewhere.
THE "GORE EXCEPTION":
A Layman's Guide to the Supreme Court Decision in Bush v. Gore
Q: I'm not a lawyer and I don't understand the recent Supreme Court decision in Bush v. Gore. Can you explain it to me?
A: Sure. I'm a lawyer. I read it. It says Bush wins, even if Gore got the most votes.
Q: But wait a second. The US Supreme Court has to give a reason, right?
A: Right.
Q: So Bush wins because hand-counts are illegal?
A: Oh no. Six of the justices (two-thirds majority) believed the hand-counts were legal and should be done.
Q: Oh. So the justices did not believe that the hand-counts would find any legal ballots?
A. Nope. The five conservative justices clearly held (and all nine justices agreed) "that punch card balloting machines can produce an unfortunate number of ballots which are not punched in a clean, complete way by the voter." So there are legal votes that should be counted but can't be.
Q: Oh. Does this have something to do with states' rights? Don't conservatives love that?
A: Yes. These five justices have held that the federal government has no business telling a sovereign state university it can't steal trade secrets just because such stealing is prohibited by law. Nor does the federal government have any business telling a state that it should bar guns in schools. Nor can the federal government use the equal protection clause to force states to take measures to stop violence against women.
Q: Is there an exception in this case?
A: Yes, the "Gore exception." States have no rights to control their own state elections when it can result in Gore being elected President. This decision is limited to only this situation.
Q: C'mon. The Supremes didn't really say that. You're exaggerating.
A: Nope. They held "Our consideration is limited to the present circumstances, as the problem of equal protection in election processes generally presents many complexities."
Q: What complexities?
A: They didn't say.
Q: I'll bet I know the reason. I heard Jim Baker say this. The votes can't be counted because the Florida Supreme Court "changed the rules of the election after it was held." Right?
A. Wrong. The US Supreme Court made clear that the Florida Supreme Court did not change the rules of the election. But the US Supreme Court found the failure of the Florida Court to change the rules was wrong.
Q: Huh?
A: The Legislature declared that the only legal standard for counting vote is "clear intent of the voter." The Florida Court was condemned for not adopting a clearer standard.
Q: I thought the Florida Court was not allowed to change the Legislature's law after the election.
A: Right.
Q: So what's the problem?
A: They should have. The US Supreme Court said the Florida Supreme Court should have "adopt[ed] adequate statewide standards for determining what is a legal vote"
Q: I thought only the Legislature could "adopt" new law.
A: Right.
Q: So if the Court had adopted new standards, I thought it would have been overturned.
A: Right. You're catching on.
Q: If the Court had adopted new standards, it would have been overturned for changing the rules. And since it didn't, it's overturned for not changing the rules? That means that no matter what the Florida Supreme Court did, legal votes could never be counted if they would end up with a possible Gore victory.
A: Right. Next question.
Q: Wait, wait. I thought the problem was "equal protection," that some counties counted votes differently from others. Isn't that a problem?
A: It sure is. Across the nation, we vote in a hodgepodge of systems. Some, like the optical-scanners in largely Republican-leaning counties record 99.7% of the votes. Some, like the punchcard systems in largely Democratic-leaning counties record only 98% of the votes. So approximately 2% of Democratic-leaning votes (several thousand) are thrown in the trash can.
Q: Aha! That's a severe equal-protection problem!!!
A: No it's not. The Supreme Court wasn't worried about the 2% of Democratic-leaning ballots thrown in the trashcan in Florida. That "complexity" was not a problem.
Q: Was it the butterfly ballots that violated Florida law and tricked more than 10,000 Democrats to vote for Buchanan or both Gore and Buchanan?
A: Nope. The courts have no problem believing that Buchanan got his highest, best support in a precinct consisting of a Jewish old age home with Holocaust survivors, who apparently have changed their mind about Hitler.
Q: Yikes. So what was the serious equal protection problem?
A: The problem was neither the butterfly ballot nor the 2% of Democrat-leaning voters (largely African-American) disenfranchised. The problem is that somewhat less than .005% of the ballots (100 to 300 votes) may have been determined under slightly different standards, because judges and county officials -- doing what Americans have done for more than 200 years -- will look at the ballots under strict public scrutiny and record voters' votes. At the end of the day, they may have a slightly different opinion about a few hundred votes, but a single judge was overseeing the entire process to resolve any disputes under a single standard.
Q: A single judge? I thought the standards were different. I thought that was the whole point of the Supreme Court opinion.
A: Judge Terry Lewis, who received the case upon remand from the Florida Supreme Court, had already ordered each of the counties to fax him their standards so he could be sure they were uniform when the US Supreme Court stopped him from counting the uncounted votes (because they were favoring Gore, according to Scalia's stay opinion). Republican activists did their best to send junk faxes to Lewis in order to prevent counties from submitting the standards to Lewis in a way that could justify the vote counting. They succeeded.
Q: Hmmm. Well, even if those .005% of difficult-to-tell votes are thrown out, you can still count the votes where everyone, even Republicans, agrees the voter's intent is clear, right?
A: Nope.
Q: Why not?
A: No time.
Q: I thought the Supreme Court said that the Constitution was more important than speed.
A: It did. It said, "The press of time does not diminish the constitutional concern. A desire for speed is not a general excuse for ignoring equal protection guarantees."
Q: Well that makes sense. So there's time to count the votes when the intent is clear and everyone is treated equally then. Right?
A: No. The Supreme Court won't allow it.
Q: But they just said that the constitution is more important than time!
A: You forget. There is the "Gore exception."
Q: No time to count legal votes where everyone, even Republicans, agree the intent is clear? Why not?
A: Because they issued the opinion at 10 p.m. on December 12.
Q: Is December 12 a deadline for counting votes?
A: No. January 6, 2001 is the deadline. In the Election of 1960, Hawaii's votes weren't counted until January 4, 1961
Q: So why is December 12 important?
A: December 12 is a deadline by which Congress can't challenge the results.
Q: What does the Congressional role have to do with the Supreme Court?
A: Nothing. In fact, some 20 states still (as of December 13, 2000) haven't turned in their results.
Q: But I thought ---
A: The Florida Supreme Court had earlier held it would like to complete its work by December 12 to make things easier for Congress. The United States Supreme Court is trying to "help" the Florida Supreme Court out by forcing the Florida court to abide by a deadline that everyone agrees is not binding.
Q: But I thought the Florida Court was going to just barely have the votes counted by December 12.
A: They would have made it, but the five conservative justices stopped the recount last Saturday.
Q: Why?
A: Justice Scalia said some of the counts may not be legal.
Q: So why not separate the votes into piles -- hanging chads for Gore, indentations for Bush, votes that everyone agrees went to one candidate or the other -- so that we know exactly how Florida voted before determining who won? Then, if some ballots (say, indentations) have to be thrown out, the American people will know right away who won Florida?
A. Great idea! An intelligent, rational solution to a difficult problem! The US Supreme Court rejected it. They held in stopping the count on December 9 that such counts would be likely to produce election results showing Gore won and that Gore's winning would cause "public acceptance" and that would "cast[] a cloud" over Bush's "legitimacy" that would harm "democratic stability."
Q: In other words, if America knows the truth that Gore won, they won't accept the US Supreme Court overturning Gore's victory?
A: Yes.
Q: Is that a legal reason to stop recounts? or a political one?
A: Let's just say in all of American history and all of American law, this reason has no basis in law. But that didn't stop the five conservatives from creating new law out of thin air.
Q: Aren't these conservative justices against judicial activism?
A: Yes, when liberal judges are perceived to have done it.
Q: Well, if the December 12 deadline is not binding, why not count the votes afterward?
A: The US Supreme Court, after admitting the December 12 deadline is not binding, set December 12 as a binding deadline at 10 p.m. on December 12.
Q: Didn't the US Supreme Court condemn the Florida Supreme Court for arbitrarily setting a deadline?
A: Yes.
Q: But, but --
A: Not to worry. The US Supreme Court does not have to follow laws it sets for other courts.
Q: So who caused Florida to miss the December 12 deadline?
A: The Bush lawyers who, before Gore filed a single lawsuit, went to court to stop the recount; the rent-a-mob in Miami that got paid Florida vacations for intimidating officials; the constant request for delay by Bush lawyers in Florida courts; and, primarily, the US Supreme Court, which refused to consider Bush's equal protection argument on November 22, 2000, stopped the recount entirely on December 9, and then complained there was no time on December 12 at 10 p.m. to count the votes before midnight that evening.
Q: So who is punished for this behavior?
A: Gore, of course. And the 50 million plus Americans that voted for him, some 500,000 more than Bush.
Q: Tell me this, are Florida's election laws unconstitutional?
A: Yes, according to the Supreme Court, the Legislature drafted the law in such an unfair way that the Florida votes can never be fairly counted.
Q: Are the election laws of any of the other 49 states unconstitutional as well?
A: Yes, if one logically applies the Supreme Court opinion. The voters of the 50 states use different systems and standards to vote, and 33 states have the same "clear intent of the voter" standard that the US Supreme Court found was illegal in Florida.
Q: Then why aren't the results of 33 states thrown out?
A: Um. Because the Supreme Court doesn't say.
Q: But if Florida's certification includes counts expressly declared by the US Supreme Court to be unconstitutional, we don't know who really won the election there, right?
A: Right. But a careful analysis by the Miami Herald shows Gore won Florida by about 23,000 votes (excluding the butterfly ballot errors). See http://www.herald.com/thispage.htm?content/archive/news/elect2000/decision/104268.htm
Q: So, what do we do? count under a single uniform standard? have a re-vote? throw out the entire state?
A: No. As there's no time for a re-vote or a re-count based on the non-binding "deadline," the Supreme Court will just choose itself who will be President, and it picks Bush to win 5-4, based on the flawed count it just called unconstitutional.
Q: That's completely bizarre! That sounds like rank political favoritism! Did the justices have any financial interest in the case?
A: Scalia's two sons are both lawyers at law firms working for Bush. Thomas's wife is collecting applications for people who want to work in the Bush administration.
Q: Why didn't they remove themselves from the case?
A: If either had recused himself, the vote would have been 4-4, the Florida Supreme Court decision allowing recounts would have been affirmed, and Scalia feared Gore would have won the election.
Q: I can't believe the justices acted in such a blatantly political way.
A: Read the opinions for yourself: http://www.supremecourtus.gov/opinions/00pdf/00-949.pdf (December 9 stay stopping the recount) http://frwebgate.access.gpo.gov/supremecourt/00-949_dec12.fdf (December 12 opinion)
Q: So what are the consequences of this?
A: The guy who got the most votes in the US, in Florida, and under our Constitution (Al Gore) will lose to America's second choice (George W. Bush) who won the all- important 5-4 Supreme Court vote, which trumps America's choice.
Q: I thought in a democracy, the guy with the most votes wins. At least in the Electoral College, shouldn't the guy with the most votes in Florida win?
A: That's true. But America in 2000 is no longer a democracy or a republic. In America in 2000, the guy with the most US Supreme Court votes wins. That's why we don't need to count the People's votes in Florida.
Q: So what will happen to the Supreme Court when Bush becomes President?
A: He will appoint more justices in the mode of Thomas and Scalia to ensure that the will of the people is less and less respected. Soon lawless justices may constitute 6-3 or even 7-2 on the court.
Q: Is there any way to stop this?
A: YES. No federal judge can be confirmed without a vote in the Senate. It takes 60 votes to break a filibuster. If only 41 of the 50 Democratic Senators stand up to Bush and his Supreme Court and say that they will not approve a single judge appointed by him until a President can be democratically elected in 2004, the judicial reign of terror will end and one day we can hope to return to the rule of law and the will of the People.
Q: What do I do now?
A: Email this article to everyone you know, and write or call your Senator, reminding him or her that Gore beat Bush by several hundred thousand votes (three to five times Kennedy's margin over Nixon) and that you believe that VOTERS, not JUDGES should determine who wins an election. And to protect our judiciary from overturning the will of the people, you ask your Senators to confirm NO NEW FEDERAL JUDGES APPOINTED BY A NON-DEMOCRATICALLY ELECTED PRESIDENT until 2004 when a president is finally chosen by the American people, instead of Antonin Scalia.
Mark H. Levine
Attorney at Law
MarkLevineEsq@aol.com
Postscript
Q: Isn't anyone on the US Supreme Court a rational follower of the rule of law?
A: Yes. Read the four dissents. Excerpts below:
Justice John Paul Stevens (Republican appointed by Ford): "Although we may never know with complete certainty the identity of the winner of this year's Presidential election, the identity of the loser is perfectly clear. It is the Nation's confidence in the judge as an impartial guardian of the rule of law."
Justice David Souter (Republican appointed by Bush): "Before this Court stayed the effort to [manually recount the ballots] the courts of Florida were ready to do their best to get that job done. There is no justification for denying the State the opportunity to try to count all the disputed ballots now.
Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg (Democrat appointed by Clinton): Chief Justice Rehnquist would "disrupt" Florida's "republican regime." [In other words, democracy in Florida is imperiled.] The court should not let its "untested prophecy" that counting votes is "impractical" "decide the presidency of the United States."
Justice Steven Breyer (Democrat appointed by Clinton): "There is no justification for the majority's remedy . . . " We "risk a self-inflicted wound -- a wound that may harm not just the court, but the nation."
TO REACH YOUR SENATORS: GO TO http://www.senate.gov OR CALL 202-224-3121.
Friday, December 15, 2000 6:57 PM
Subject: Fw: Bush sues Santa; God Smites Bush
Just in off the AP wire...
BUSH SUES SANTA
AUSTIN, TX - Dec.15 - Attorneys for Texas Governor George W. Bush filed suit in federal court today, seeking to prevent Santa Claus from making his list and then checking it twice. The complaint seeks an immediate injunction against the beloved Christmas icon, asking the court to effectively ban his traditional practice of checking the list of good boys and girls one additional time before packing his sleigh.
The suit, filed in the Federal District Court of Austin, Texas, asks a federal judge to "hereby order Mr. Claus to cease and desist all repetitive and duplicative list-checking activity, and certify the original list as submitted, without amendment, alteration, deletion, or other unnecessary modification."
"There are no standards for deciding who is naughty, and who is nice. It's totally arbitrary and capricious. How many more times does he need to check? This checking, checking, and re-checking over and over again must stop now," said former Secretary James Baker.
Baker further claimed that unnamed GOP observers witnessed an elf remove all boys named Brad from the "nice" list, filing them under "naughty" instead because "everyone knows all boys named Brad are brats."
Gov. Bush cited the potential for unauthorized list tampering, and blasted what he called the "fuzzy math up there at the North Pole."
"Their security is really awful, really bad," said Bush. "My mother just walked right in, told 'em she was Mrs. Claus. They didn't check her ID or nothing."
Meanwhile, Dick Cheney, Gov. Bush's running mate, issued a direct plea to St. Nick himself. "Mr. Claus, I call on you to do the honorable thing, and quit checking your list. The children of the world have had enough. They demand closure now," Cheney said, adding that his granddaughter has already selected a name for the pony that she's asked for.
Santa Claus could not be reached for comment, but a spokes-elf said he was "deeply distressed" by news of the pending legal action against him. "He's losing weight, and he hasn't said 'Ho Ho Ho' for days," said the spokes-elf. "He's just not feeling jolly."
BREAKING NEWS: GOD OVERRULES SUPREME COURT VERDICT
Bush to be smitten later today
In a stunning development this morning, God invoked the "one nation, under God" clause of the Pledge of Allegiance to overrule last night's Supreme Court decision that handed the White House to George Bush.
"I'm not sure where the Supreme Court gets off," God said this morning on a rare Today Show appearance, "but I'm sure as hell not going to lie back and let Bush get away with this bullshit."
"I've watched analysts argue for weeks now that the exact vote count in Florida 'will never be known.' Well, I'm God and I DO know exactly who voted for whom. Let's cut to the chase: Gore won Florida by exactly 20,219 votes."
Shocking political analysts and pundits, God's unexpected verdict overrules the official Electoral College tally and awards Florida to Al Gore, giving him a 289-246 victory. The Bush campaign is analyzing God's Word for possible grounds for appeal.
"God's ruling is a classic over-reach," argued Bush campaign strategist Jim Baker. "Clearly, a divine intervention in a U.S. Presidential Election is unprecedented, unjust, and goes against the constitution of the state of Florida."
"Jim Baker's a jackass," God responded. "He's got some surprises ahead of him, let me tell you. HOT ones, if you know what I mean."
God, who provided the exact vote counts for every Florida precinct, explained that bad balloting machinery and voter confusion were no grounds to give the White House to "a friggin' idiot."
"Look, only 612 people in Palm Beach County voted for Buchanan. Get real! The rest meant to vote for Gore. Don't believe me? I'll name them: Anderson, Pete; Anderson, Sam, Jr.; Arthur, James; Barnhardt, Ron..."
Our Lord then went on to note that he was displeased with George W. Bush's prideful ways and announced that he would officially smite him today. In an act of wrath unlike any reported since the Book of Job, God has taken all of Bush's goats and livestock, stripped him of his wealth and possessions, sold his family into slavery, forced the former presidential candidate into hard labor in a salt mine, and afflicted him with deep boils.
Bush's inaugural theme song
(to the tune of "What a Wonderful World" by Sam Cooke)
Don't know much about history.
Don't know much foreign policy.
I don't know the names of men I grill,
Or implications of the seats I fill.
But I do know who has paid my way.
For corporate interests and the NRA
What a wonderful world this will be.
Don't know much about ecology.
Cutting trees has always worked for me.
And I don't know about the women's vote,
And I can't think of any bill I wrote.
But there's one thing that I know for sure,
If the rich stay rich and the poor stay poor
What a wonderful world this will be.
I never claimed to be an A student, but I don't have to be.
If you have deep pockets and sell nuclear rockets
You're a friend of my family.
Don't know much about air pollution.
Don't know much about the Constitution.
Don't care much for solar energy.
There's nothing in it for my friends and me.
And if we can't find any on our soil
We can go to war and get more oil, and
What a wonderful world this will be.
Don't know much about the driving rules.
Don't know much about the public schools.
Don't know why the inner cities fail
Why can't folks get dad to pay for Yale?
And if the issues causing you to lose
Are never covered in the evening news,
What a wonderful world this will be.
I never claimed to be an A student, but I don't have to be.
If you have a brother who's the Florida Governor, the
result's no mystery.
Don't know much about history.
Don't know much foreign policy.
Don't know 'bout paying off a debt.
I never had to pay one off yet.
But I do know who has paid my way.
For special interests in the USA
What a wonderful world this will be.
[PFPF Editor's note: we checked with the good people at Nostradamus.org. This is a HOAX.]
In 1555, Nostradamus wrote:
Come the millennium , month 12
In the home of greatest power,
The village idiot will come forth
To be acclaimed the leader.
Somebody made an amazing collage of this image: click here.
Anti-Ashcroft Site
Einstein dies and goes to heaven. At the Pearly Gates, Saint Peter tells him, "You look like Einstein, but you have NO idea the lengths that some people will go to sneak into Heaven. Can you prove who you really are?"
Einstein ponders for a few seconds and asks, "Could I have a blackboard and some chalk?"
Saint Peter snaps his fingers and a blackboard and chalk instantly appear. Einstein proceeds to describe with arcane mathematics and symbols his theory of relativity.
Saint Peter is suitably impressed. "You really ARE Einstein!" he says. "Welcome to heaven!"
The next to arrive is Picasso. Once again, Saint Peter asks for credentials.
Picasso asks, "Mind if I use that blackboard and chalk?"
Saint Peter says, "Go ahead."
Picasso erases Einstein's equations and sketches a truly stunning mural with just a few strokes of chalk.
Saint Peter claps. "Surely you are the great artist you claim to be!" he says. "Come on in!"
Then Saint Peter looks up and sees George W. Bush. Saint Peter scratches his head and says, "Einstein and Picasso both managed to prove their identity. How can you prove yours?"
George W. looks bewildered and says, "Who are Einstein and Picasso?"
Saint Peter sighs and says, "Come on in, George."
An airplane was about to crash, there were 5 passengers on board but only 4 parachutes.
The first passenger, said, I'm Kobe Bryant, The best NBA Basketball player, the Lakers need me, I can't afford to die." So he took the first pack and left the plane.
The second passenger, Hillary, said, "I am the wife of the former President of the United States, I am the most ambitious woman in the world, I am also a New York Senator and a potential future President." She just took the second parachute and jumped out of the plane.
The third passenger, George W. Bush, said, "I'm President of the United States, I have a great responsibility being the leader of a superpower state. Above all I'm the cleverest President in the America history, American people won't let me die". So he put on the pack next to him and jumped out of the plane.
The fourth passenger, The Pope, says to the fifth passenger, 10 years old school boy, "I am old and frail and I don't have many years left, as a Christian I will sacrifice my life and let you have the last parachute.
The boy said, "It's Ok, there's a parachute left for you. The Americans' cleverest President has taken my school backpack."
[This isn't a joke, but creepy!]
PRESIDENTIAL HISTORY
Some presidential history. Look what happens when a President gets elected in a year with a "0" at the end. Also notice it goes in increments of 20 years.
1840: William Henry Harrison (died in office)
1860: Abraham Lincoln (assassinated)
1880: James A. Garfield (assassinated)
1900: William McKinley (assassinated)
1920: Warren G. Harding (died in office)
1940: Franklin D. Roosevelt (dies in office)
1960: John F. Kennedy (assassinated)
1980: Ronald Reagan (survived assassination attempt)
2000: George W. Bush ????????????
And to think that we had two guys fighting it out in the courts to be the one elected in 2000.
You might also be interested in this:
Have a history teacher explain this ---- if they can.
Abraham Lincoln was elected to Congress in 1846.
John F. Kennedy was elected to Congress in 1946.
Abraham Lincoln was elected President in 1860.
John F. Kennedy was elected President in 1960.
Both were particularly concerned with civil rights.
Both wives lost their children while living in the White House.
Both Presidents were shot on a Friday.
Both Presidents were shot in the head.
Now it gets really weird.
Lincoln's secretary was named Kennedy.
Kennedy's Secretary was named Lincoln.
Both were assassinated by Southerners.
Both were succeeded by Southerners named Johnson. Andrew Johnson, who succeeded Lincoln, was born in 1808.
Lyndon Johnson, who succeeded Kennedy, was born in 1908.
John Wilkes Booth, who assassinated Lincoln, was born in 1839.
Lee Harvey Oswald, who assassinated Kennedy, was born in 1939.
Both assassins were known by their three names.
Both names are composed of fifteen letters.
Now hang on to your seat.
Lincoln was shot at the theater named 'Ford.'
Kennedy was shot in a car called 'Lincoln' made by 'Ford.'
Lincoln was shot in a theater and his assassin ran and hid in a warehouse.
Kennedy was shot from a warehouse and his assassin ran and hid in a theater.
Booth and Oswald were assassinated before their trials.
And here's the kicker... A week before Lincoln was shot, he was in Monroe, Maryland.
A week before Kennedy was shot, he was with Marilyn Monroe.
More W Jokes at Democrats.com
index of Bush jokes at this site
