"The taboo against talking about incest is stronger than the taboo against doing it." - Maria Sauzier, M.D.
Traits of Families that Tolerate Incest and Child Abuse
Poly-abusive
Sexual child abuse is just one of a number of abuses taking place in an incest family. There may also be a history of family violence, substance abuse, and other criminal activity.
Duplicity, deceit, collective secrets
The incest family hides its embarrassing secrets.
Rigid and tightly controlled
Incest families have rigid rules to prevent revelation of their secrets.
Demand for blind, absolute loyalty
Incest families usually have a domineering head of household who rules the family through coercion.
Poor boundaries
Disrespect for each others' privacy, rights, and individuality is common in incest families.
Parents immature and inexperienced in life
Parents of incest families usually never become fully mature adults.
Conflictual marriage or troubled divorce
In incest families, this may refer to situations where children are pushed into the drama between a conflicted mother and father.
No childhood for the children
Incest families are somber and strict places, where the authority figure (usually one of the parents) dictates behavior for everyone else. Rather than let children run around and play, they force children into a regimented routine.
Chaotic situations, traumatic stress
Incest often takes place in chaotic households, with unstable roots. These families may move often and lack connections to any one community.
Low level of appropriate touch
In the most toxic incest families all touching is considered taboo. Parents do not hug, caress, or cuddle their children, as normal families do. This is perhaps the most telling symptom of incest.
Compensating veneer of religiosity
Incest perpetrators often hide behind an external show of religion.
Traits of Healthy Families
1. Individuality is respected.
2. Differences are tolerated.
3. Boundaries and roles are clearly defined.
4. Problem-solving is open and valued.
5. Communication is responsive and accepting.
6. Strong marital bond between parents.
7. Strong extra-familial support. [Strong ties to extended family, community.]
8. Healthy humor, play, fun.
9. Shared spiritual life.
Editor's Note: These lists are based on materials developed by David L. Calof, author of"Multiple Personality and Dissociation: Understanding Incest, Abuse, and Mpd."
This book is out of print, but Amazon.com will search for a used copy and notify you in two weeks. Link to David L. Calof's web site: ClinicalWorkshops.com
Family Profile Find out where your family stands in these categories: fun, decisions, pride, values, caring, communication and confidence. Click here.
What Constitutes Child Abuse?
Neglect Failure to provide for a child's basic needs. Ignoring emotional, physical, sexual, or spiritual abuse of children. Physical neglect includes refusal of or delay in seeking medical care, abandonment, expulsion from home or not allowing a runaway to return home, and inadequate supervision. Educational neglect includes permission of chronic truancy, failure to enroll a child of mandatory school age, inattention to special educational needs, enrolling children in dysfunctional schools that are not licensed and do not give the child an education. Failure to provide the necessities of life: decent clothing (including warm coats and shoes in winter), nourishing and healthy food, play time, time with parents, decent living quarters, including personal belongings, a bed and proper bedding.
Emotional Abuse Humiliating or frightening punishments, verbal abuse, exposing children to violence such as spousal abuse in the household, witnessing torture or sexual abuse of other children, allowing children to use drugs or alcohol, refusing to care for a child's psychological needs.
Physical Abuse Inflicting physical injury by punching, beating, kicking, biting, burning, hitting with an object, or any physical punishment besides a light spank on the bottom. In some countries, even conventional spanking is against the law. Click here to read Ten Reasons Not to Hit Your Kids, by Jan Hunt, M.Sc., Director of The Natural Child Project.
Sexual Abuse Sexual touching, fondling, rape or attempted rape, exposing children to adult sexual materials or activity, peeping into bathrooms or bedrooms to spy on children, having children pose, undress or perform in a sexual fashion, pressuring children for sex, exhibitionism around children, or creating an atmosphere of sexual intimidation.
Spiritual Abuse Using religious practices to punish children, forcing children to participate in rituals against their will, using God or religious ideas to persecute children.
Flashbacks
Flashbacks are one of the long lasting and most devastating symptoms of child abuse. A flashback occurs when you look back on an old event with new eyes. the event was extremely painful abuse. When you look back on it you see something you never saw before. Perhaps you see for the first time that this was abuse and you did not deserve it. Perhaps you see for the first time how it hurt you.
Flashbacks are a sign of progress. They happen when you experience new ways of interpreting your past. However, the work of going through the flashbacks can be difficult. If you feel overwhelmed by a flashback it can hit you like an ocean wave. the emotions can come out so violently that it can cause psychosis, depression, or panic attacks.
It's good to have an experienced abuse recovery counselor to guide you through the flashback stage, because it is just a stage. If you go through it the right way, you will heal and learn to live with the memories. If you start to experience flashbacks, get a therapist, especially if you feel suicidal, if you have a psychological diagnosis (or suspect that you might), or if you are prone to self-pity. If you don't feel you need a therapist, at least get a good book to read on the subject. I recommend any book by Alice Miller or one of the books listed at my abuse recovery page (click here to see books).
The danger is that you might get into a rut of continuously experiencing flashbacks and that you might find yourself complaining about your child abuse history to people who can't help you. It is possible to get stuck in the victim mode and this will hurt your chances for a full recovery. It is possible to settle the matter once and for all, but you might need help. Try to see your flashbacks as a sign that your psyche is trying to heal.
Frequent Issues and Problems Faced by Incest Survivors
from Betrayal of Innocence
by Susan Forward & Craig Buck
Not every incest survivor experiences all of these. And this list is not exhaustive, but includes many of the problems most commonly reported by male survivors:
Anxiety and/or confusion; panic attacks; fears and phobias
Depression--often including suicidal thoughts or attempts
Low self-esteem--a feeling of being flawed or bad
Shame and guilt--over acts of commission and/or omission
Inability to trust themselves or others
Fear of feelings--a need to control feelings and behavior (their own and others'); compulsive caretaking
Nightmares and flashbacks--intensely arousing recollections
Insomnia--and other sleep disorders
Amnesia--memory loss, forgetting pieces of childhood
Violence--or fear of violence
Discomfort with being touched
Compulsive sexual activity
Sexual dysfunction
Hypervigilance--extreme startle response
Social alienation--feeling isolated and alone
Inability to sustain intimacy in relationships and/or entering abusive relationships in which they are revictimized
Overachievement and/or underachievement/underemployment--feeling like an imposter professionally
As adults, becoming abusers and/or protectors
As adults, becoming victims of other abuse
Having split or multiple personalities--or feeling as though they do
Substance abuse--drugs, alcohol, and so on
Eating disorders
Unrealistic and negative body image--feeling distant from their own bodies
Feeling like a frightened child
Hyperconscious of body and appearance
A note to young people who are currently victims of sexual abuse
You have a right to be free from unwanted touching, especially in the places your bathing suit covers. These areas are private. If someone violates your privacy, tell your parents, a teacher, a school counselor or someone you trust. Note however, that all child abuse must be reported. On one hand you may fear the consequences of exposing an abuser, but you need to realize that this is abuse and you are a victim. You are enduring treatment that will haunt you the rest of your life unless you do something to stop it.
Another area of sexual abuse is harassment. If someone makes sexual comments to you, shows you pornography or exposes themselves, or if someone forces you to watch sexual acts, then you have been sexually abused. Please talk these things over with an adult you trust. If they do nothing to help you, talk to another adult who will do something to stop the abuse.
Also, you may tell the abuser directly that you will not stand for this treatment anymore. Be careful. Standing up to an abuser may result in physical abuse. If your situation is that serious, please get help. If there's no one you can talk to, call a hospital or church from the phone book and tell them where you are and what's going on. Keep trying until you get attention for your problem. Also, get professional counseling. That is the best way to stop blaming yourself for the abuse (or the aftermath of exposing abuse).
Ninety percent of people in the world are against child abuse, but most lack the skills to recognize it or do anything to stop it. If a qualified person finds out what is going on, they will help you.
Index of all child abuse information available through this site.
